She doesn’t have time….

A year ago today a dear friend of mine decided that he was done, he quits.  We will never know why, although it is something I ponder daily.  A year ago on the 24th was his birthday, it was his son’s 1st birthday, his son of whom is also his namesake.  He was a wonderful man, I was very lucky to know him.  And my best friend was even luckier to love and marry him.  A year ago today I watched my best friend break just a little but unless you really know her you never would have seen it.  At this same time I was scrambling finding anyway possible to make that 18 hour trip to be there for her.  But she is strong, she has a kind of strength that I’ve never seen before.  She didn’t cry, she has two babies to be there for, she didn’t have that luxury.  She didn’t outwardly dwell, she moved, she pushed, she went on.  Some may perceive that as heartless, others say that we all need to grieve, and she did.  She did it in her own way, her heart broke, the tears fell, but she did this at night, away from the watchful curious eyes of her kids.  She is a mother, an extraordinary mother.  Everything she does she does it with all of her heart, she is a mother, a daughter, a sister, the best friend that I will ever know, but most of all she is the strong one.  You just can’t break her. 

So here is her song….. 

When God made woman I wonder sometimes
If it was a flower he had in mind when he made her
A touch as gentle as a butterfly
A kiss so sweet it could stop time forever
God gave man a chance to be the kind of strength a woman needs
He was suppose to be the one to carry that load

CHORUS:
But there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don’t pay much
but she thanks God it’s enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she’s still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody’d blame her if she quit trying
But she’s got a heart that gives and gives
Now you tell me who the strong one is

Tonight’s the first night in a while
She put on her makeup wearing a smile
She’d going out
And everything was all planned out
but the fever that the baby’s got now
It’s all shot down
She gives up what she wants to do for what she has to
That’s what a momma does
She’ll be there like she always is
when the son comes up

CHORUS
And there she goes
Baby in her arms
World on her shoulder when her day starts
Working a job that don’t pay much
but she thanks God it’s enough
There she is
on her own two feet
He walked out
but she’s still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody’d blame her if she quit trying
But she’s got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is

And there she is on her own two feet
He walked out but she’s still got dreams
Trys to laugh when she feels like crying
Nobody’d blame her if she quit trying
But she got a heart that gives and gives
So you tell me who the strong one is

You tell me who the strong one is

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So if nice guys finish last, where does that leave us girls?

I hate relationships. It’s all so confusing and such a big game. I just want to scream from the rooftops right now. I mean seriously, I’m a fairly attractive chic, wickedly witty, I have a good job, I love football, etc, etc.  So why, why, why, is it that every guy I meet ends up being the worlds biggest liar, dickhead, cheater….you name it. And if he isn’t then for some reason I have no attraction whatsoever to him. I give. I quit. Here’s my towel, I’m calling it a game.

People spend their whole lives trying to figure out the opposite sex and you would think that someone would have gotten somewhere with that at some point. But the fact of the matter is that it is confusing, irritating, heartbreaking and eats away and your ability to trust another person. One day I will elaborate more on this, but right now I’m just angry and hurt and just a little more broken today than I was yesterday. Tomorrow will be better, I’ll start picking up the pieces then, but for now I just want to look at them one more time, relish in the fact that they are broken and can’t be fixed, and then be excited about the freedom that gives me.

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Where’s his lifejacket?

I’m full of anxiety and fear today.  I feel like I’m throwing my kid in the middle of a lake with no lifejacket.  I hurt for him.  What if he hates it?  What if he doesn’t want to do it?  What if he cries and cries and I have to leave him in that place and hope that he wil calm down.

Will I even be able to leave him there?  Or will I stand by the door until the tantrum subsides.  I’m betting on the latter.  I’m just so very freaked out about this. 

And so what if I’m overreacting, I’m a parent.  That’s what we do, and then we make fun of the other parents that freak out.  And one day I will too.

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