Life in the battlefield

The battlefield that is my house, backyard, front yard and on occasion the neighbors yard.  I never quite realized how busy little people are, seriously it’s like 3 bolts of lightening constantly speeding through the house.  And give them little shits 5 minutes alone, yeah you only think they are being good.  So far we have had 2 dogs let out of 2 separate gates on no less that 552 occasions… and when I say 552 I really probably mean about 52.  Okay so we buy locks for said gates, the dog problem is solved but then there is nothing like a 3 year old and a 4 year old heading out the back door and 5 minutes later magically ringing the door bell…up front.  Nice.  Those two can scale that fence like they are breaking out of prison on a murder charge.  Also if you leave kids of the age of 3,4 and 7 in the back yard for about 10 minutes one night and they see up very, high a box that contains no less than 3 containers of sidewalk chalk paint stuff…they will take said sidewalk chalk and completely cover themselves, 2 dogs, and a garage in a matter of seconds.  The way these 3 get into things you would think that Jess and I never watch them.  But we do, like hawks, it’s really quite hilarious sometimes.  We have also taken to buying things in 3’s, two of the exact same color for the boys and one in a girlie color for Tori.  Because we made the mistake this one time of getting 3 things that were different and OMG you would have thought the world ended because no one wanted theirs, they wanted someone elses and someone else didn’t want to give it up.  So it’s challenging and fun and crazy sometimes but we are all having a blast.

Read Full Post »

Changes

I swear my life totally cracks me up sometimes.  This shit just can’t happen to anyone but me.  If you read my bog (yeah all 2 of you), you already know that I have been second guessing my relationship.  It’s been apparent at the house that I’m not really happy.  So I’ve had discussions and advised him that it might be best if he start looking for another place to live.  So please tell me why I am sitting here at this very moment and he acts like the conversation never even happened?  WTF is that about.  Seriously it was like the next day, hell even later that night, there was this strange amnesia that took over.  I just don’t get it.  It doesn’t have to be a bitter break up, not at all, he is a great guy and I truly wish the best for him.  I made the choice because I need to figure out what actually makes me happy, I’ve gone from one relationship to the next, really ever since Pat and I broke up and I really think that I need to take some time and figure out what really makes me happy.  What I truly want in a partner and what it is to be on your own with no one else to answer to.  I want to for once to be in a relationship because it is really what I want not just because I really just don’t want to be alone.  So maybe after a couple of more talks it will sink in. 

On a better note, I did finally figure out what I want to be when I grow up and I am pumped to start school in the fall and get another chapter of my life started.  Things seem to be falling into place, well until the sky falls again.

Read Full Post »

Some people

Today I am a little grrr with some of the people in my life.  I swear I can’t stand people being negative all of the time, every once in awhile I can handle it.  We are all allowed those days where everything just seems bad and we can’t help but to be negative but everyday?  No.  Some people just want to try and turn everything into something negative, no matter what you say.  It’s frustrating and irritating, but that’s okay.  Those people can kick mud damn it 😉

I’m looking forward to the weekend, we are all going to see my dad at the lake.  Lots of fun and chillin’ out, no agenda.  Just talking and fishing and cooking out.  We need that.  Ayden loves camping so he will have a great weekend and he loves is Paw Paw and we don’t get to see him nearly enough.  So I am excited for the weekend, for the chance to get away and for the time to be with my family.  We might even make a pit stop on the way to Carb Day for the 500, Ayden has never seen Indy cars and well you can’t grow up in Indiana without having a love affair with the track.  I still do, 29 years later, I love that place.   

 

Read Full Post »

Game on.

Today is better.  I still have a viewing/showing (what is the PC term for that?), this afternoon.  I’m not apprehensive about that, I will get to see a lot of people that I haven’t seen in a very long time and swap stories about the good times with Jeff.  I will not although be going to the funeral, I don’t do funerals if at all avoidable.  I believe that is a very personal thing and meant for very immediate family and friends.  Funerals are too… well final.  I don’t like to look at things that way.  Life is to be celebrated not mourned, he died doing something that he loved and I find peace with that.  I hope that one day his family can too, I hurt for them.  As a parent I cannot imagine laying a child to rest, there has to be no greater pain. 

On a lighter note I’ve had time to think through yesterdays events (thanks Xanax).  I’m trying to be positive and realize that changes in my life are new beginnings and each will have their own trials and tribulations.  So today I have my game face one, bring it.

Read Full Post »

The hits just keep on a comin’

So it’s no surprise to anyone that the automotive industry in the US is well SHIT.  Again no surprise to anyone that my job is being outsourced.  To top of today’s crap I just found out that my job is probably ending a lot sooner than expected.  Friggin’ rock on!!!  So a venti 3 pump white mocha with an extra shot make it snappy thankyouverymuch was completely in order.  And perhaps an alcoholic beverage or 10 when I get home. 

Read Full Post »

What’s with today today?

Kudos if you know what movie that line came from.

Today just sucks and it’s only 10:30.  I’m very blah nondescript today and I don’t much like it.  Yesterday morning I found out that an old friend who is more like an acquaintance now passed away.  He was on his bike and had an accident, very tragic.  You aren’t supposed to die at 29, sometimes the world just isn’t fair.  There are newspaper articles and in each one they make a point to mention that he wasn’t wearing a helmet.  Okay fine, but Indiana doesn’t have a helmet law.  Almost is like a slap in the face like well if he would have been wearing one maybe we wouldn’t have to report that he’s dead.  Just doesn’t seem like the proper thing to do at a time when his friends and family are grieving their loss and maybe it’s because I’m picking at things and irritated.  I can’t quite put my finger on what is wrong today, just a little of this and a little of that and I just want to go home watch a sappy movie and cry, then sleep.  Tomorrow will be better and I’ll have my game face back on but today I just can work up the energy for it. 

Read Full Post »

How did I miss that lesson?

Okay to piggyback on yesterdays post I totally just realized that I really have no idea how to date.  Pat was the first guy I ever lived with and I’ve been moving guys in and out ever since.  Seriously ever relationship that I have had since then that lasted more than a month has ended with me living with him or more often than not him living with me.  So I just realized that I completely missed the lesson on dating without kids and even more than that now I do have a kid, so apparently I’m two classes behind and seriously creeping up on 30.  30 is the new 20 right?  I know that I have to get out of my current relationship, stat, but I need to figure out the hows of the whole thing.  It’s complicated but I really think that I need to figure out me first before I can be in a relationship with someone.  I’m not sure what I want on a day to day basis and I’m in no position to plan the long term right now.  But I’m a little worried that I totally don’t know how to date.  What is the protocol for an almost 30 single mother?

Read Full Post »

How much is too much?

I have an ex, Pat, who was my everything under the sun.  We started dating 10 years ago after being best friends for several years.  Our first kiss was at my door one night after watching wrestling together and from that moment I was hooked.  We were very intense together and I’ve never had more fun with any other person in my life.  We broke up about a year in but have never lost contact.  We might go months without talking to each other but one of us will break and we end up in this on again off again thing.  We’ve done this for the last 10 years.  We’ve been through a lot of heartache, tears, fun, deep conversation, inside jokes, everything.  We’ve both had relationships since then but they never last, we’d both tell you that it’s because we compare whoever we are with to each other and no one stacks up.  At the same time we can’t be together either, it’s like one or both of us “thinks” there is something better out there.  But again we’d both tell you that we still to this day think that we will end up together eventually.  I’ve never had my heart ache for one person so much, I’ve never had a feeling of love like this except with Ayden.  I can’t ever imagine not having Pat in my life and that has caused a strain on every relationship that I have been in since.  But how much is too much?  He’s done a lot of messed up things to me, cheated on me when we were together at the beginning, we’ve had a lot of make up and break ups but I still can’t really remember bad things.  I can tell you like it was yesterday all of the great times that we have had though.  I love my child with every inch of my being but it wasn’t my plan, I was supposed to have kids with Pat, but life dealt me a different hand and I tried to roll with the punches and get married.  On my wedding day I stood outside of the church just wishing he would come save me, I knew in my heart that my marriage wasn’t going to work when I said yes.  I followed my head not my heart.  He’s all I’ve ever wanted but the timing just never seems right for us.  Seems like something is always standing in our way and I wonder sometimes if either of us are really willing to actually take the time to make it work.  I wonder if we could actually make it work or if it’s just too late and we won’t ever get back to the way it used to be.  I wonder if this feeling will ever go away, because I really need it to.

Read Full Post »

Glue it up

Wow interesting things happened today.  It’s pretty much crap since I woke up, nothing has gone quite as planned and usually I can roll with the punches on that but today it’s been a little overwhelming.  Nothing a xanax didn’t cure.  Got a call from pre-school today and apparently Ayden had a fight with a picnic table but he didn’t quite win that battle.  Or at least his ear didn’t.  I was in a meeting at work and didn’t have my cell phone so they couldn’t get ahold of me and instead called his my ex, who then called his mom to go get Ayden from school.  I got out of the meeting and was within a block of the school when his mom was pulling out with Ayden.  Why couldn’t his dad just go get him you ask?  He was drunk.  At 4:00 in the afternoon andapparently had been drunk for quite awhile before that.  I’m fairly positive that I have never been so angry in all of my life.  I completely understand going out and having fun with friends and possibly having a little too much to drink, I’ve done it before and I’ll probably do it again.  But this is the 2nd time that he has showed up at the hospital drunk (okay my son is kindof a klutz).  I’m not quite sure how to deal with this, he doesn’t drink around Ayden (or so he says) so he thinks that it doesn’t directly effect Ayden.  I do but he refuses to listen to me and when I mention it he just wants to yell at me.  It’s frustrating, complicated, confusing, irritating and grrrrrrrrrr I just hate it.  I don’t want to take Ayden away from his dad because I firmly believe that a child deserves both a mother anda father but there are times when I wonder if it’s doing him more harm than good.  Then I think if I do that in 10 years I will have all of this self doubt because my son is constantly mad at me because his dad isn’t around and of course that will be all my fault.  Then you have the legality of the whole thing and I hate being drug through the court system..  It’s all just a little much to deal with.  All in all the day ended with some nice glue holding Aydens ear together and a little bruising that will heal in a few days.  And a drunk dad that seriously needs to consider help before he drinks his life away.

Read Full Post »

A new addiction

So for the last few years I have dutifully paid for and held a gym membership.  I’ve went a few times, but it was nothing to skip the gym and not go for months on end.  Okay I admit there were several 6 months at a time that I didn’t go.  Not because I didn’t want to but because I couldn’t find my workout clothes, it was raining, it was sunny, I ran out of time, I had to clean house, or do laundry….or more likely than not I had to sit on my couch with my computer and eat chips.  Lazy.  For some reason I just thought that I wasn’t getting near as big as I was, we even did this biggest loser club at work and I paid my weekly fees and even paid extra every week that I gained.  So after that was over and I finished DEAD last, hell I was the only one who gained I realized that just maybe I should do something.  Then I went online because that’s what I do when I have a problem that I can’t solve, and low and behold all of these damn sites just kept mocking me and telling me that I had to eat less and be more active, one even told me that at 177lbs and 5’4 I was OBESE…obese, the nerve.  That site will totally not be getting any business of mine in the near future.  No miracle pill or anything.  I don’t look bad, I’m a size 14 and it fits well on my frame but I don’t feel good.  So I started going to the gym.  Ever.single.day.  And ya know what?  There is something to be said for that whole working out thing.  In one week I’ve dropped 5 lbs and my pants don’t cut off my circulation (as much) when I put them on.  Who woulda thunk it?  I actually look forward to going, it’s like a little game of how many calories I can burn.  I sneak in excercise at home just to make every move count.  It’s weird but for the first time in a long time I am loving to look at my body, my arms are thinning out and my stomach is becoming a tad less mommified.  I’m not perfect, far from it, but I feel better, sexier.  I love me some new beginnings.

Read Full Post »